Doubt and Formaldehyde

There is a reason everyone warns you that becoming a vet is the hardest thing that you’ll ever do, and it’s because it is.

During convocation, the dean got up in front of us and told us that there will be times our schooling where it feels like we don’t know anything and nothing is going right. He failed to mention that you spend a majority of your time feeling this way and a few brief moments feeling like you know your head from your ass.

I consider quitting vet school on a near-daily basis. Honestly, it’s just not fun anymore .I left a histology exam feeling like I knew every answer on the test only to find out that I failed. No, not the dramatic I-totally-bombed-and-got-a-B kind of failing, I mean I actually less than 60% failed. I was crushed.  And more crushed when the highest grade I can seem to pull off in Clinical Pathology is a C+. And more crushed when I didn’t even answer some questions on the Anatomy exam.

Then the dramatic part does kick in. Maybe the school made a mistake in accepting me? This is known as imposter syndrome and many vet students suffer from it. But I’m starting to think I’m not meant to be here. I can’t seem to focus the way I used to, I don’t retain the information like I used to, and I just can’t get myself to care any more. Maybe I’m burnt out. Or maybe I was never built for this in the first place.

This week has been hard. Chances are that tomorrow I’ll want to get back on here with some kick-ass story about how I’ve overcome these insecurities and I’m going to take back my life and my grades and turn it all around. This will last until the next C on the next exam, because that’s been the pattern thus far.

Everyone keeps saying it’s worth it, so I’m sticking it out until I can’t anymore (or I fail out, who knows). I’d like to say that I’ll make it to the other side, become a surgeon, and love my job, but there’s a lot of doubt floating around right now (and formaldehyde).

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